Monday, November 21, 2011

How to Prepare a Thanksgiving Hand Turkey

*Republished from years past!  Like a holiday special!

Thanksgiving is upon us, and over the next couple of days, friends and family may be descending upon your home. 
 This can be a stressful time as holiday expectations rear their weary heads and intra-family tensions run high.

The centerpiece of the fourth Thursday in November is the traditional Thanksgiving Hand Turkey...
and preparation is often the source of greatest strain.

What to do with this unwieldy Hand Turkey? Everything seems so complicated. What will impress my mother? I nearly killed myself with the flash fryer last year.

If you are on a "Fuss Budget", there is no reason the creation of your Hand Turkey can't be simple and sublime.

Choice of Hand Turkey is extremely important. Look at the coloring. If there is too much outside the lines, or the body is pink or has a smiley face on it, the Hand Turkey may be too young to prepare. Are the feathers too neat and detailed?  Are there are there hints of irony or political references in the background? The Hand Turkey might be too old.

Check for a brown body and individually colored feathers.

The best way to capture your Hand Turkey is an 
"All of a Sudden" approach. 
 Don't linger around ogling its sentimental beauty. 

You will know the the Hand Turkey is ready for 
preparation if it has X's for eyes. 

(NOTE: Do not attempt to prepare is there are dots for eyes. )

Now you are ready to prepare your hand Turkey. 

A good cutting board and sharp knife are all you need.

The first cut is the deepest, as they say, 
and your Hand Turkey is no exception. 
 Blood is naturally going to leak out of its neck, 
but once the shock wears off you will find removal of the feathers a breeze.

Now it's time to stuff your Hand Turkey!  
Much hay has been made over what to use for stuffing - 
butter, sage, cornbread. Pish Posh! Have fun. 
 Stuff your Hand Turkey with whatever tastes good to you! Make it as fancy or as simple as you please.

After three or four hours of baking, 
your Hand Turkey should be ready. 
Place it on a plate and allow the stuffing to tumble out. Garnish with some greens for an elegant finish. 
Look how succulent and beautiful your Hand Turkey is! 
 Your entire family will be proud that you did it all by yourself 
and they will be talking about it for years to come!

Happy Thanksgiving!


NotNits said...

Silent stand.


Slow clap.

rebar said...

I give this 4.5 out of 5 stars.

If you could fit in the bit about how the pilgrims gave the indians small pox ridden blankets, this would be the Greatest Thanksgiving Story Ever Told.

Erica said...


Crazypants said...

that was real good, jj.

Joe Janes said...

I like the wrist bone the best.

Anonymous said...

excellent. simply excellent. who doesn't love peanut butter and pop rocks stuffing?